Journal through menus

From March 9 2025 - with post script after my dad died March 21 2025:

I've mentioned before that when the going gets rough, I make food. It is how I show I care; more, it is how I cope.

As my dad is in home hospice care, as he is dying, it is hard to cope.  So I have attempted to record my recent journey by journaling through menus. 

Making food and sweeping floors and shopping and visiting- all these little actions are love. Love is an active verb.

My siblings- Sister D and Brother C  - and I received messages that seemed that our dad's situation was urgent in late January 2025. We all changed our plans (which had been later dates, and staggered- Sister D and Brother C going ahead, Brother C flying home and Sister D staying when I drove to join her mid February) to leave sooner and go together.

It's a long trip from our Michigan homes to dad and his wife DW's home in Alabama near Mobile.

We drove first to our cousin's house in Murfreesboro, TN. We brought a small Sander's bumpy cake for them, and hid the large bumpy cake we brought for our dad and his wife DW. (Bumpy cake tends to disappear in our family!)

Jan 25- We were arriving around dinner time to our cousin's house and our cousin SL had offered to make spaghetti. When we got to Murfreesboro, Sister D noticed the hard financial times for them, so we ordered Chinese take out for them. We thought we ordered enough that there would be leftovers. Almost all was scarfed up! Cousin S & her son K updated us on the on-again/off-again adoption of Cousin S's grandchild KL. It's on again. No idea what to pray for there, as the prospective adopting family is unstable and unpredictable, and Cousin S's health is in no way compatible with raising a challenging 5 year old.

Jan 26 - We left the next morning early enough to arrive in Daphne AL by late lunch/early dinner. Our dad's wife, DW, had made chili and her daughter RL had made cornbread. We greeted our dad in his hospital bed in the living room. We figured out sleeping arrangements.

Dad's wife DW had been sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was her preference, to be near my dad. Her daughter RL and RL's partner J used the double bed in the upstairs bedroom. My sister and I took the twin beds in the other bedroom upstairs, and my brother camped out in a recliner in the living room with Dad and his wife. It was cramped, to say the least.

Jan 27 - We were still settling in, and it was still a large group, with RL and her partner J. We learned the routines of trying to tempt Dad to eat something, of shifting him higher in the hospital bed so he could sit up, of how to lift him to his feet and onto the seat of his rolling walker to bring him to the bathroom. Who had time to cook? Instead we ordered Thai food take out, because the Chinese take out is closed on Mondays. 

Jan 28 - Tuesday. Unfortunately I can't remember everything! I made spinach quiche for breakfast, that I remember. RL and partner J were still staying, as they were closing on a house in the same neighborhood as Dad's house. 

Soon after this, Sister D handled breakfast for everyone just about every morning.

Jan 29 -  Wednesday. RL and J headed back to Michigan. My sticky buns are a favorite, so I had started the dough the previous evening. I got up early to finish the buns for breakfast; but I was coming down with my first ever migraine. When Sister D came downstairs, I handed the task over to her and headed upstairs and back to bed.  I slept until 1:00 in the afternoon.

Jan 30 The next day I made favorite comfort foods: Meat loaf and mashed potatoes, green beans. 

Jan 31 Crock pots are the best! I made beef stew and we had sour dough bread to sop up the juices.

Feb 1 On Saturday, DW's son RF and his spouse JF came to visit. My brother and sister and I had our day out; we drove the long route to Orange Beach. We had lunch at the Pink Pony, then found a new bar on our way back, quite near in Fairhope. It's the Tongue and Groove Drinkery. Great bartender who dug up free merch for us. 

Feb 2  RF and JF had spent the night at their aunt's, DW's sister, who lives in the same neighborhood. They came back for more visiting. My favorite oldest daughter, BI, came for a quick visit between book events in the south, promoting her new novel. Dad was alert and asked about her book and the events. My brother C left to visit his friend in Florida for a while that afternoon. I made poached chicken breast on noodles with steamed broccoli.

Feb 3 I was feeling like comfort food. I made goulash sort of like my mom used to make. I used elbow macaroni, tomato sauce, garlic, ground beef- I kept some separate for me, then added Velveeta to the rest. This was lunch and snacks for the next couple of days.

Feb 4 Sister D made nachos- one cheese only for me, and ground beef and cheese for everyone else. Lots of veggies!

Feb 5 Wednesday - I drove brother C to the airport. He flew home to Michigan, and Sister D and I stayed in Alabama assisting DW and our Dad. We ladies like vegetarian cooking just as well, so Sister D made Stuffed Green Peppers. 

Feb 6  - We were feeling tired and not up for cooking, so we just boiled some hot dogs. This was not to Sister D's liking, so she skipped dinner.

Feb 7 We had some chicken still, so Sister D made Chicken Chili Soup & Salad.

Feb 8 DW's granddaughter CP and her spouse DP came to visit. Sister D and I arranged a Charcuterie board lunch for them and then we took off so they would be able to have their own time with Dad. Sister D and I went out and about, and found a beautiful restaurant located at a marina with pet-friendly patio dining and delicious cocktails.

We came back for the mac-n-cheese, green bean casserole, and salad we had prepped for all.

On Sunday Feb 9 I made Roast Chicken, baked potatoes, green bean casserole, salad.

On Feb 10 Sister D Chicken Quesadillas with the leftover chicken.

On Feb 11 with the leftover chicken carcass and chicken, I made Chicken noodle soup.

On Feb 12 I made Beef stroganoff - I kept some separate so I didn't add the sour cream for my portion, since I don't combine beef and cheese.

On Feb 13 Sister D made home made Chicken pot pie which was delicious!

On Feb 14  - ore somewhere around there- I made To Die For Blueberry Muffins. We shared them with Dad's visiting nurse! It was Valentine's Day. Sister D and I went thrift shopping for curtains and curtain rods to make my dad a makeshift bathroom next to his bed. It was Valentine's Day, so we gave each other chocolate treats and ordered Chinese Take Out.

Feb 15- Saturday- Sister D made English muffins with egg and turkey sausage patties and used up leftover potatoes. DW made salmon in parchment with asparagus and dill. We watched movies: An Unfinished Life and Carry On. We tried the curtain commode. Failed. Dad had a rough night.

On Feb 16 Sunday I made Broccoli Cheese soup to have ready for my daughter CM who came for a short visit.

Feb 17-  We went out for lunch, and had a light grazing supper. Daughter CM had time with Sister D, time with me, and we gave DW a break too!

Feb 18- Charcuterie board was a great idea, and we still had all the ingredients.

Feb 19- Pizza. You can't cook every day!

Feb 20- Chicken Parmesan- My sister D and I collaborated on this and we made a lot so DW would have meals ready for her daughter  RL who was coming for a visit..

Feb 21- Meatloaf- back to comfort food. I made a double batch- some for right away, and some to freeze.

Feb 22 - Spinach quiche- this is an all time favorite for the family.

Feb 25 I have a record of making noodles and broccoli.

Then we went home for a couple of weeks. Sister D and I both had appointments with doctors and other housekeeping issues back home. We got caught up with bills and with yard work and I did some more packing- through all this, I was trying to get my house ready to list. I was suspended between Ann Arbor with my new condo, where I had my bed and my clothes and not much else, and Holly and our old house of 35 years that I needed to pack up, spruce up, and sell.

Which you can't do from Alabama when your old home and new are in Michigan!

While we were back in Michigan, DW's daughter RL was back and helping. My brother and his wife drove back down. His wife stayed a few days, then flew back to Michigan;  Brother C stayed. 

About two weeks later, we headed back to Alabama. My sister and I traveled together in her truck, and my dog stayed with my son JE and his family.

As ever, my sister's dog traveled with us.

We went by way of South Carolina this time, to visit my daughter CM and bring her a few things as she settled into her new home and I was divesting from my old home.

On the way, we were rear-ended which ended up totaling my sister's truck, and added to all of our stress for the rest of our journey,  as we now had to drive back with my brother in his truck when we eventually headed home.

Still, Sister D and I and daughter CM decided to have a girls night out- because we sure could use one!

We were warned that my dad was deteriorating. He was now eating almost nothing. He had lost even more weight. 

And he no longer got out of bed. He was wearing disposable underwear, and had to be changed and cleaned by us. It was a two person job.

I don't remember everything in those next two weeks or so. We were back on March 10 or 11. 

He died on March 21.

All three of his kids, his wife DW and her son RF were all there as he took his last breath. 

Glitch in the matrix

I think there may be a glitch in the Matrix. I am being erased, I fear.

Today, I went to the Secretary of State because I need a certain critical document in order to sell my house, and I was told the Secretary of State was where I could obtain this missing document, or replace it. The home I am selling is a modular home, which apparently is documented as a mobile home, although it is not a mobile home.

I drove 45 minutes to the nearest Secretary of State office that had a Monday appointment. I waited for my appointment. I waited to be called. I brought original mortgage and construction documents and most recent refinance documents. I brought the model and serial number of the house.

Once I reached the window, I explained what I needed.  The person looked up by the address, by my name, by my husband's name, by the serial numbers I provided.

You aren't in the system, I was told. There's nothing there.

I lived there 35 years, I said. I paid property taxes 35 years, I said. We refinanced the home seven times, I said. 

I assure you, it does exist.

She called higher up the pecking order, and printed me some blank forms to fill out and notarize and mail, not deliver personally, to a Lansing address. 

I don't know that I have the wherewithal to complete said forms. The title company associate may be able to help me- but has not returned my calls or emails.

Hasn't been 24 hours yet, so...

Then, I have been anxiously checking my mailbox. I had a hold-mail in place for the past week while I was away. Delivery was supposed to begin again today. 

The first several times I checked, nothing. Mail had not yet arrived.

Then I checked again and there was ONE pizza coupon. 

According to "informed delivery"- a preview of your mail from the Post Office- I have at least 9 pieces of mail. 

I checked: all mail was supposed to be delivered today. To my mailbox.

BUT THERE IS NOTHING THERE.