Everything is triggering

 I'm waiting on an appointment with the therapist. I'm sure I'll be told that all of this is normal.

Every damn thing is triggering.

Looking at a calendar is triggering. Today is 6 weeks since he was buried. Today would have been my mom's 86th birthday. She died two years ago, on October 4 2021. My aunt died 6 months ago this month.

Looking at the checkbook is triggering. He used to bail me out when I was off by some odd number. He managed the other checkbooks.

Writing the bills is triggering (I paid the small bills, he paid the large ones). Grocery shopping is triggering (Not buying licorice. No need for more wine- I won't drink alone). Making coffee is triggering (he made me coffee every morning). Watching TV is triggering (I'm watching that series that wasn't interesting to him-- at all. I'm watching the final season of that series we watched together).

I'm veering between overwhelming sadness that stops my breath and flat affect- paralysis, inertia.

I don't know which is worse.