The second shiva was at our home, and Leonard M led the service. Leonard's 50ish year old daughter had recently died, quite suddenly. The grace and compassion Leonard showed in leading shiva for us, as he was still grieving his own loss, was so kind.
My kids cleaned the house like crazy, moved furniture around to accommodate the expected attendees. we all tried to rest at different times.
Our house was crowded with family and friends. Still so much food. At this shiva, Leonard paused during the service for comments from those attending- to share thoughts about Ken.
We said kaddish together.
The next night, Thursday night, we had a Zoom only Shiva. Beth and her family Zoomed in from their Illinois home. The other kids were still in our home, and Aaron B and Rob G. I think Phil (our Chicago friend by way of CK and KG- don't remember when he arrived!) was still here, too. Phil had rented a hotel room, and switched it to a larger room so CMK and KG could stay with him. The house was triggering for them- too hard to stay for long.
Leonard M led the service again, this time from his home on the Zoom (at my request). He paused the service again, and more people on Zoom spoke. I especially valued Leah speaking- articulating what has been true for many, that Ken was a friend, support, alternative second father for so many, modeled a different way of being in a relationship, modeled a different way of parenting, than what they had known.
After shiva, there was some good sharing around the dining room table by we few at home of great experiences with our family, with Ken, with us.
Those memories remain always.
Maybe I will come back, someday, and add more to this. We'll see.
The timing of all of this is difficult (how could it be anything else?) and strange, too. Ken died on Saturday, September 9- that night was Selichot, the service before the High Holidays. He was buried on Tuesday, with shiva Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Friday we do not have shiva, as it is Shabbat. This Shabbat was also the beginning of the New Year- Rosh Hashanah. According to tradition, we set aside our grief for Shabbat, for the High Holidays.
Our grief was not set aside, but our public grief became private. At least it was so for me.
This New Year asks much of us. Moving forward is an incredible challenge.
I Zoomed the services on Rosh Hashanah. I Zoomed the Thursday morning minyan. I went with Jacob and his family to Shabbat Shuvah, the Shabbat that falls between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. With Claire, I attended Kol Nidre services- we left after Kaddish, too overwhelmed. I zoomed Yom Kippur day services.
Started, little by little, taking up again the business of life.
Alone.
Not alone- supported by family and friends.
Yet alone.
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