Dear Diary: Shut up

Dear Diary: Shut up. I'm here NOW, aren't I?

I knew it was going to be a shitty day today when I went to bed last night. I just didn't know how shitty.

When I went to bed last night, I knew that I had to drink all the laxative solution this afternoon as colon cleansing for my colonoscopy tomorrow. I knew I would be shitting all afternoon.

I didn't know that I would wake up to shit.

What woke me up was the sharp, acrid smell of shit in my bedroom, where Jasper, AKA GoLayDown, AKA GetOutOfTheGarbage, had shit all over the floor.

He didn't whine, he didn't scratch, he just shit all over the floor.

Not diarrhea, just regular, smelly shit.

So, I got up, I cleaned up the shit, I washed the floor, I sprayed odor neutralizer, I lit candles.

I still have the consumption of laxatives to look forward to this afternoon.

Then, since I was up already, I went to catch up on email and the news of the day.

More shit. I am BEYOND shaking my head at what looks, sounds, smells like a War on Women. Akin saying if it's "legitimate rape" that a woman's body will prevent pregnancy. Romney and Ryan distancing themselves from Akin- and then the GOP endorsing a party platform that seeks to ban abortion, with no clause excluding rape or incest.

Really?

And reading that a judge in Texas says there will be civil war if Obama is re-elected?


It makes me tired- especially when I read an article predicting Romney will win the election.

So then I follow up on reading my email from My University. There is a student from my Spring 2012 online class that tried to drop the class, thought she had dropped the class, then due to an error of the My U Pipeline (the online interface for all things dealing with the U), the class wasn't dropped. She is trying to get my help in changing her grade from F (since she did zero work, and was on the class list, I had to give that grade) to something else which will allow her to re-take the class.

Well, this is frustrating because since I've left/been let go from My U (something I have had happen more than once), I dread re-contacting. It's frustrating because as a lowly adjunct, this grade change is not a change that I can complete on my own. It's frustrating because it turns out I had to interact with the new chair, who doesn't know me, to get the grade change approved.

It's also frustrating because in researching how to address the new chair (I honestly don't feel like I can address him by his first name, as we have never met), I noted a posting inviting those interested in part-time/adjunct positions to submit apps to be considered for the "hiring pool".

Really? No one would bother to contact me in person to invite me to submit?

Feh!

As luck, or serendipity would have it, I had posted on my Facebook page a meme that reads: Don't Stay Where You Are Tolerated. Go Where You Are Celebrated!

At least for now, I'm not going to submit to the pool for part-time/adjunct. Instead, I will substitute teach for pin money at the local school, babysit my grandson on Mondays...

and write.

and apply to better gigs, looking to go where I will be celebrated.

This afternoon, I will get rid of my own literal shit.

In the days ahead, the metaphoric shit may take longer.

Oh, sh*t

It seems there's a theme.

Today I had to wait for the truck to pump out our septic.

On the counter awaiting consumption next week are the Rx for evacuation of my own system pre-colonoscopy.

Oh, joy.

write anything again and again

Dear Digital Diary- How are you?

Some new plans: Remember when I used to demand one half- hour per day of each of my kids in each of the following: math, music, Hebrew, housework?

Well, I've decided that I'm going to start with some self-demands along those lines. Every day one half hour housework and one half hour writing. As a minimum. As maintenance.

We will see how it goes.

In addition to this blog, I'll be writing song lyrics as a gift for my youngest, some of which are inspired by my first born. And I will start writing the story of my life. It's interesting to me at least, and then I can lift and fictionalize whatever bits ;-)

Part of my housework today is laundry - that's the part that will add to my fitness, I hope. Then I am also working on a gift quilt.

I find a hurt in my heart for each of my four children today; and tremendous pride in each of them as well.

writing: updates to my life

So Dear Husband K is recovering from his surgery- every day is a bit better. This past Monday, I had a follow up with my doctor to learn that all is BENIGN.

But

(or should I say, BUTT)

Thursday I got a call literally minutes before I took the first pill that would start the process of "cleansing" my colon prior to my Friday morning colonoscopy.

Apparently, one doctor's office or the other has lost the referral paper work so I couldn't have the procedure Friday morning.

Now, I am grateful that the call came before the process of "cleansing" started, but I am angry that the procedure will now be in AUGUST.

Along with my annual Pap test.

I had so looked forward to having this behind me. (forward, behind, whatever)

In other news, I continue to monitor my mood. Mostly okay, so far.

I am monitoring my mom's mood, too. She is pretty definitely depressed. When I went with her to her doctor on Wednesday, he found that her blood pressure was low, especially for the late afternoon time of day (100/58). He listened to her symptoms: feeling generally "sick," general weakness, arms "heavy" and weak, no appetite, bad taste in mouth, dry mouth, waking early and unable to get back to sleep, good days and bad days, worse in the morning. He ordered blood work, to make sure he isn't missing something like anemia, or kidney function, but his feeling is that most of her difficulties can be traced to depression. He has cut back her blood pressure meds, and taken her off the Prozac (which she had only been taking for two weeks, after having *on her own* taken herself off of her previous anti-depressant) and on to a newer, quicker acting medication Viibryd. She will go back to see him in 2 months.

dreams

I dreamed a dream tonight.

And so did I.

And what was yours?

That dreamers often lie.

Dream 1
... I dreamed that I was waiting to go in to  a spa but I had to use the bathroom. I went in the bathroom, but it wasn't a bathroom, in spite of the signs, but a fitting room and the woman in there and her daughter were looking at pink tutus. So I wandered the ?mall? and came to a room that had a bathroom with shower - there was a child peeing in it dragged out by his mom.
At some point I found soft flannel gowns/blankets to wear back to the spa; and at some point, but before I headed back to my spa wrapped in flannel I was talking to one of my actors from My U, LW- telling her as we discussed fear, and I said think of it like stage fright- it is energy that you can use.


Dream 2
...I dreamed I was at My U and over hearing that there was a real need for professors and I was saying, hey, me, ME! And no one listened- and then they started talking about needing professors for playwriting and other courses that were JUST MY STYLE and I was saying me Me ME! and my one time mentor BA said no, no matter what, not you.

Ouch.

And in this dream or some other I was looking in the mirror and cutting my hair and it was wild. I had to force myself to stop.

mini rant

So, I didn't get the advising job- did I mention that here? Mostly I am very okay with it. Advising is not my field.

Nevertheless, another rejection stings a bit.

So I must WRITE! Must discipline myself to WRITE EVERY DAY! And not just grocery lists!

While advising is not my field, theater- teaching, directing, writing- *is* my field. And it looks quite like I shall be languishing idle from that field- unless, of course, I WRITE EVERY DAY!

I expressed my frustration to my friend CH this way: I was raised to believe that if you do what it is that you do in an excellent fashion, you will excel- you will succeed- you will be a success.

"If you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to your door."

Instead, it turns out, that if you build a better mousetrap, the other mousetrap-builders will turn on you viciously, destroy your mouse-trap prototypes, beat you bloody, and leave you for dead.

Even, or especially, if their own mousetraps no longer trap mice (if they ever did).

write anything, still

I continue to struggle with my "time off" although, what kind of a vacation is taken up with what seem to be weekly hospital visits?

Last week was my trip; this week, DH K's surgery is... tomorrow.

Next week, me again.

The following week is August already-a signal that my summer is nearly over! Not fair!